


I Will Always Weep For You

by transient



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Fluff, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Pining, Poetry, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 07:14:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6556900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transient/pseuds/transient
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a novel by Tyler Joseph.</p>
<p>If I wrote a book, you would be it's title.<br/>and I will always weep for you. </p>
<p>- - - - - - - - - - - <br/>a series of Tyler's diary entries</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 17/02/15

Josh,

I’m such a mess because I didn’t realize how much you meant to me until I was pinned down in this place. stuck somewhere I didn’t want to be

until the wheels started turning and and I was forced against my will to leave what we had behind.

and I guess it’s true that we don’t know what we have until it is all over. at least for me.  was there anything to be over? or was it just hope that flickered and died like everything else in this world. just died.

and I don’t want to grow apart from you. that’s what I am so afraid of. I’ll grow apart from you.

and for the first time in my life I begin to hate this room and I want to return to you and never leave your side. and I want to stand in the rain with you and cry on your shoulder and slowly freeze on the roof of some nameless building in a nameless town in another forgettable place because with you I feel something. for once.  there was a moment, I felt something. something different and then in an instant it was gone.

and those moments are so important for my survival you are so special and you make me feel wanted and most importantly alive which isn’t something I have felt at all recently.

and I can’t go back.

I don’t mean back home. that’s okay. It’s less than ideal but I just. I don’t want to go back to being how ~~we were~~ we are. because there was that one moment like I was caught between heart beats and it was just a realization that maybe there was something more to this life. that moment existed. It did. it exists

maybe I have some shred of hope on this earth.

I don’t think you felt it.

at least not like I did.

perhaps it’s the euphoria of the unspoken rules we have drawn between us. because the greater our friendship the larger the distance between us. the bigger the feeling I get when I touch your arm or maybe it’s just you and everything about you.

because you make me feel wanted and you make me want to feel wanted.

I’ve never felt that. or maybe I did. maybe it’s something I lost. and I need it back. Josh, I need it back. I can’t begin to explain how that, how you, make me feel. because you give my meager existence purpose and I’m overwhelmed and you are non-responsive and i am exhausted and I’ll write to you tomorrow. maybe


	2. 22/02/15

Josh,

I think I’m addicted to sad piano songs and self-loathing

things have been pretty bad lately, and now actually putting pen to paper and writing this to you, even though you’ll never read it, I just don’t think I’m romanticising it any more.

I’m not sure if that’s worrying or if it’s just something we all go through.

and sometimes I think of life before I met you, what it was like.

I got kicked out of my home, kicked down as it turned sour against me. and home taught me to count my blessings, to prefer the mornings. cause at that time, before the sun had properly risen and made it’s home snugly in the sky glaring down sentencing me to death for another crime. normally I hadn’t mustered up enough energy to abuse myself yet.

my mind was kinda stuck in that groggy half-sleep half-wake state. I like incoherency.

except when it comes from you.

I moved out and made myself a home in a different place in an attempt to run away from my head. because I believed my mind was having a bad reaction to my environment, like an allergy or something.

but you can’t run away from your head, because your head is on your shoulders. without your head you would be dead.

tough world.

but I met you and at that point I still didn’t understand the concept of home. but giving it time sorted it out.

but I’m so scared. Josh, I’m so scared that one day there will come a time when I won’t have you to come home to. what if I’m made to fend for myself again, what if I get kicked out, kicked down again.

mom told me that home is where the heart is and that’s why I never felt like I had one. until you.


	3. 26/02/15

Josh,

you smiled at me today.

It was the best and most brilliant day of my life

you smile at me most, no. all days. every day.  but toady you smiled and you smiled with your teeth.  it makes me want to be as happy as you.

one day i will be as happy as you

I swear your smile could draw the sun from it’s hiding place and warm even the coldest corners of the earth.

your smile makes me warm, makes my heart warm. makes me excited and nervous and it makes me want to wrap my arms around you and hold you and cry into your shoulder because you are just so beautiful and so exquisite.  and I want to spend my whole life in the shadow of your smile because without it there’s no sun.

I want to make you smile.

I love your smile however it’s made but I want it to be me that makes it.  I want to be the one who does that. I want you to look at me, to see me, and please God I want you to smile.  not to smile for me but to smile at me. I want to know that I’m worthy of that. I want to know that i am worth that much.

and If i’m really lucky I’ll hear that beautiful noise you make when that smile breaks over your face and I know you hate it but you are so beautiful so so beautiful and I just want to hold you and make you smile and hear you smile so big that it makes me forget everything else in this world.

sometimes you smile when you hug me.

I want to hug you but how do I see you smile when I’m hugging you? I want to touch you and see you smile and I want you to feel good. because when you feel good I feel good. don’t stop feeling good. please always feel good and please always smile. please show it on your face and let me watch it.

I want to see you smile.


	4. 01/03/15

to crave and to want are two different things. the entire and complete difference is not intensity but duration.

So…

Josh,

I crave you.  just a little bit.

I have wanted you for so long. for so much time I’ve lost count of the days.

but I remember every moment I’ve spent away from you and every moment I have spent afraid to tell you that I crave you.

I want to be with you, be next to you.

I want to be around you and in you and I want to live for you and about you and I just want you. I’ve always wanted you.  but because it’s been a bit longer than a short amount of time I have to call it a craving now.

It makes you sound like a food. and like I’m pregnant or something.

but It’s kinda important that you want me too. want me back.

what if you don’t. I could go on wanting you forever. craving you. what happens when I go beyond the allotted time for craving? what’s after that. has anyone ever reached that stage?

I’m laughing at myself. I’ll just go on ~~wanting~~ craving you for ever. for infinity. I’ll just wait for you. that’s not funny. actually

I don’t mind just looking at you. at least for now. I’ll look at you and watch you smile and work on making you smile. one day I’ll be able to do it all by myself.

people don’t have to know.

I like it that way.

people don’t know what I’m thinking when I look at you. it means I can look at you for as long as I want. as much as I want. I could look at you forever and no one would care. you’d probably just think there was something on your face. there’s never anything on your face josh.

don’t ask me why I look at you.

I look at you because I want. crave to. apparently they’re two different things. and I’ve been wanting you long enough to warrant the status of the latter.


	5. 08/03/15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW//
> 
> reference to past abusive relationship  
> mild references to self-harm
> 
> tyler has a breakdown  
> be careful guys, please stay safe. You can skip to the next entry if you need.

Josh,

It’s late.

you’re with debby.

and honestly tonight’s one of those nights where I miss you so much it makes my stomach sick.

love you. I miss you. and I will always cry for you.

I will always weep for you.

all of you, in all of your forms.

you are my muse and it is for you that I write and you are the reason I create and want to try to live and

I know you said no more but how can I not write about you.

you are exquisite and you are my whole life.

and maybe I’m grieving the loss of what never was mine.  but don’t I deserve the right?

It seems like I have a history of falling in love with you. hopelessly. and then expecting the world – which is simply you. but you hesitate and don’t give me it at all.

I’m sorry too.

Josh,

I will always weep for you.

and if I wrote a book, you would be its title.

and I will always cry for you. for my loss and for my frustration. and my inability to connect.

there’s always one thing missing. I still don’t know what it is.

and it’s the same. the same as with Him. the same as what He said. before

that He. that they. all have no time for my foul and dirty past. my shame and my embarrassment and my inability to admit defeat.

I make sense.

I can make sense. and what I’m seeing IS real.

I don’t know. Josh one day He told me my friends didn’t actually like me. they can’t stand me. apparently He never said those things apparently I’m delusional. I need help. apparently.

so you can understand why I don’t want to admit defeat. to talk to you about this is me admitting defeat after all those years of battling with Him. I lose.

He made me feel so bad.  He made me bad.  when I was stood over the sink and I was so furious. and completely frustrated because I couldn’t articulate or conceive of how I felt.

that’s my kitchen sink.

that’s my fucking kitchen sink and I don’t even think it qualifies

because I acted out of anger

I did it there. In daylight. and He was in the next room sat there not listening lying to Himself that if He pretended it wasn’t happening it wasn’t. and that hurt so much

much more

and right now I’m so tempted

whatever has happened will circle back around

that’s what He did to me. He made me realize it was always going to come again. the punchline was always so well delivered.

well done.

and my mental illness shouldn’t embarrass me. I know it shouldn’t embarrass me. it’s not my fault

but it does. embarrass me

because it means I’ve finally lost Our argument.  
I want words to come out I want to produce something. I used to produce beautiful things. sometimes.

sometimes He said I was a beautiful thing

but how can something beautiful or even acceptable come from something so trashed and exhausted.

you were my one chance josh. after him.

I truly believed I could make it. now my whole life, my music, my eating habits everything will change because of me. because of my head.

my head that sits upon my shoulders.

It’s not fair on me. you have all just left me

am I not good enough what can I do. lets just discard tyler why not he won’t complain. He opens his mouth but no one even listens so there’s nothing to worry about keep a lid on it don’t be a burden because no one really care’s it’s all selfish the world is just selfish and so am I. so no one can really care. they only use you. you’re just there to get used up and then disposed and when I’m like this everything you say is done to spite me.

and nothing is waking up well, josh. something is walking us home. walking me home

and what I want to do oh what I want to do to myself. well I keep thinking that’s beautiful. because it’s something right? because it’s something and something has to be better than nothing.

Josh. don’t leave me

please just take me back to 2012 I just can’t cope on my own I want to be hurt

hurt but not by you because I will still love you even if you do

and I can’t do that again

don’t let me do that again.


	6. 16/03/15

Josh,

I want to write something profound so that it has value. but instead I write for myself

my feelings are not profound

they are base and boring and old news. they don’t respect themselves and charge about as if they own the place

much like myself

trying to tame and control these feelings is a full-time job. It’s exhausting. they easily get led astray. easily influenced

this is what it looks like to romanticize anxiety and depression.

my feelings aren’t characters in a play. they can’t be tamed or pitied or toyed with

my head is a mess and I can’t talk it into behaving itself.

and it is deliberate. my mind’s deliberation. a self-induced sadness that I cling to and hide myself from when I sense it’s onset. I get a bad taste in my mouth, myself, tasteless.

It changes from sweet-relief to fear. knowing it will cycle back and continue to beat me down again and again and I’m so sick of it and I’m so scared. josh, I’m so scared.

and above all, I feel like I’m missing something. maybe it’s you.

I crave to discover and form the interconnections between mind and matter. I’m losing it I guess. cause I can’t even do it poetic justice anymore. I’m trying to rhyme everything. my words aren’t working. aren’t rhyming. my timing is off

and blurryface is back. well, he never left.

and I’m scared to talk to you. to be around you, josh. what if I take you with me.  cause sometimes I begin to wonder if you are following me down this path. dark path. and why would you follow someone down this dark path if your intentions are good.

and do we personify our thoughts in an attempt to confront the complexity of our minds. cause its all pretty incomprehensive at the moment.

defensive.

over sensitive.

rhyming. again


End file.
